The weight of our own expectations

Below is an excert from the posting on todays Elements of Style blog.

We bought this condo on impulse, which of course was hard for me. But I fell in love with it and the life that could fill it’s walls, and as we all know real estate needs to be a mix of emotion and smarts, not 110% heart. I tend to be the type who falls in love every day, full of emotion and passion but sometimes a bit lacking in balance. So we signed away on this home with a future life full of babies and wild financial success in mind. How things have changed. While financially we are pretty stable and my business has had unexpected and wild success, the baby question remains exactly that- a question. Empty guest bedrooms that echo of “you’re 30, you should have a baby” leave me rattled because frankly, I don’t want one right now. I want one, someday in the not too distant future, but right now I’m not ready. And selling this condo and moving into a smaller rental makes that decision audible to the whole world, which feels a bit like raising a white flag and surrendering my perfectly timed plan of “married by 26 (check), baby by 30 (…)” I know, I have time, I’m only 30, but I can’t help but feel I’m letting people down by not feeling the hormonal frenzy of motherhood pulsing through my veins. Instead I feel the burning wish to travel, write, explore, work hard and take the time to straighten out exactly what it is I want and need, as selfish as that may be. I like to think by turning keen focus inward on myself it will make me a better mother someday down the road.

But it does feel a bit like taking two steps backward. Surrendering the baby plan and going from owning to renting- even though I know it’s only temporary until we find a house to renovate and live in for a very long time (no more of this buy and sell in under three years business we’ve been doing)- feels a bit like trying to switch from drive to reverse while still moving. Of course after wanting nothing more than to sell, now that it might have happened, I walk around these rooms thinking about how lovely it is, how the light filters through the windows just right and how much I’ll miss it instead of recalling that burning need to move on I felt so keenly not two weeks ago. Classic “me”. I need to instead focus on this as an adventure, something I have not had enough of in my thirty years. The ability to move into the city and experience life full of convenience and bustling energy. A chance to breathe, think and be without the weight of a mortgage. Freedom, in a way, to know that I can do whatever I want next without being tied down. There is so much fullness to my life right now- opening an office, exciting business ventures developing , wonderful new friends to enjoy, trips to plan, moving…. possibilities seem to crowd each morning I wake up and it’s both terrifying and delightful at the same time. It’s not a time to make concrete decisions, it’s a time to explore, investigate and touch, taste and feel everything I can so that when I am ready to settle down a bit more and dig in with solid roots I will be comforted and content with the experiences I have had. But that doesn’t mean that in this moment, as my life begins to change dramatically, I am not sitting here scared as hell. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get totally frustrated with my inner monologue and would kindly tell it to shut up if I could. It also doesn’t mean that sometimes I wish I wanted something simpler, easier and typical. But I don’t.

This struck me so much because even though she is planning what sounds like a great near future traveling, writing, exploring. She is still feeling the dreaded weight of her own expectations for herself. Marriage by 26, baby by 30. I think we all go through this, wether it be baby, career, relationship, money, stability. I know I have. When I was in my early 20's I definitely thought that was my timeline too. But as it turns out, it's not. I have followed a completely separate path for myself and never looked back. I think it is such a shame that we all think we have to have our lives completely figured out, and if our passions, or intentions change we give ourselves such a hard time. Let's just all take a minute to breathe, reflect, and be happy for who we are, what we have, and what we have accomplished. There is no way it's not fantastic even if it's not exactly what we thought it would be.