And so it was. . .

So I've been bad at keeping up.

The Holidays were upon us.

We were away and although I was constantly coming across things I wanted to share on the blog.

I just never got around to it.

So in thinking back about the year that was 2010 -

this is what it was for me.

I wrote this in the beginning of November when I needed to clear my head.

And so I got it all out.

But then I had to call my family and let them know.

After poking that bruise repeatedly - I couldn't open this post and put it out there.

But now I'm on the other side and it's a shiny, happy new year.

So I'm just going to share it.

This song also pretty sums up my past year.

But this is the end of it.

Many more happy new things going forward.

Buckle up,

Here we go.

This was the closest that we got.

These perfect little embryos.

We affectionately called them our test tube babies or the twins.

But unfortunately for us - this is all they will remain.

For years we've tried to have a baby.

And as tedious and maniacal as you can be -

with the dr.'s appointments and the medicines and the diet and the restrictions -

there is no guaranteed success.

 I've given my self injections, taken pills, and jumped through every hoop imaginable.

But worse than any of that is the constant head game and deals you are trying to reach with God.

I just don't know why he's not responding.

I promise not to eat goat cheese or drink wine.

I won't run for a train or even get off my couch.

Just please take us off this awful treadmill.

With each new procedure or hope

there has only been the same crushing defeat at the end.

We just never seem to have any good news.

And it never occurred to me before this -

but we aren't used to losing.

We've now completed our 2nd round of IVF and I am gutted emotionally.

When we found out last night it didn't work - I couldn't even cry.

We will go on.  We have before.

I don't want to be consoled.

I don't want anything.

I know we are loved and there are so many people who so desparately want this for us.

It's so hard disappointing them as well.

I was excited at first to talk about the process and share the tedium.

But now I can't.

There is a huge hole in my heart and my plans.

It's taken away my summer(really my past 2 years) and at times all of my hope.

No one seems to be able to fix it.

Instead, we wake up and go to work.

Pretend that everything is normal.

Amazed as it seems that everyone around me gets pregnant and has babies.

 Somehow we weren't invited to that party.

So today I will cry and be sad and mad and frustrated -

Hopefully tommorrow will be better.

See - I still have hope.